Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
