just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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