I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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