I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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