my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
