So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
