this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Barsexuality is the new black.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
