how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
