It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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