I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
