I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
