i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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