I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
