toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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