Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
