I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
