i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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