I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize