a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
