the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
