I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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