Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
