I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
