took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
