I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
