I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
