Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she looked like the before picture.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
