so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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