then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
