Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
