I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
