The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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