I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
