So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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