I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
