So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
we should paint friendship bongs
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