we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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