Where are you?
In a non slutty way
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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