definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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