remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
