just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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