I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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