you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
