So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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