I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
