Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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