i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
