Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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