Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
