So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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