This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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