WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
