Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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