There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
