She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
sex in a hospital.. check
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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