I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm too high and old for this...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
