Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
