Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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