Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
