I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
