dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
