We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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