you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
