Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
